There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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