Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
