Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
