apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
