everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
