Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
