I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
