Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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