i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
