did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
