I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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