I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
