you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
