I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
