I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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