I think my fart just growled at me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
