She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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