Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
