So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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