I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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