What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
