okay pat passed out under dana's car
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
