I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
