He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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