I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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