fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
