Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
