so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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