i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
