2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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