woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
