I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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