Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
