lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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