I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
