my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
