I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
