She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
