Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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