Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
