I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
