So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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