its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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