it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
