i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
