You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
