So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
