I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
