if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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