I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
