how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
