every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
there is glitter all over my balls
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
