My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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