you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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