While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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