Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
